


In Flagrante Delicto

by LordValeryMimes



Series: An Officer and a Technician [2]
Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M, Office Blow Jobs, Under-Desk Blow Jobs, Walking In On Someone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-17
Updated: 2016-03-17
Packaged: 2018-05-27 07:09:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6274705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordValeryMimes/pseuds/LordValeryMimes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When work keeps Todhunter too busy for sex, Lister gets proactive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Flagrante Delicto

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [janamelie](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Janamelie/pseuds/Janamelie) for being my beta, my soundboard for ideas, and for coming up with the title! And Happy Birthday!
> 
> Thanks to Rob Grant and Doug Naylor for inventing these characters so I could make them get up to all sorts of smeg.

“What have I told you a thousand times, Lister? You’ve got to have a stack of fifteen clean rags on the trolley at all times. Any less than fifteen and we might find ourselves up to our elbows in spilled tomato soup. I’ve done the calculations, Lister. The square footage of the soup dispenser, plus the projected trajectory of a malfunctioning nozzle equals approximately five gallons worth of spilled liquid, which then equates to twelve square yards...”

Lister’s eyes were glassy, as Rimmer’s voice droned like the buzz of a thousand insects. He stared, unseeing at Rimmer’s wildly gesticulating form as his mind continued to drift miles away. He gripped the back of the tools trolley as he thought of hands: firm, strong, masculine hands. Hands big enough that the fingers and thumb could still touch one another even when firmly encircling him. He squirmed at the memory of those hands pulling and tugging at him, the other gripping the small of his back as Frank pounded into him.

“ _Lister!_ ” The technician started as he realized that Rimmer had been yelling at him for some time.

“Wha’?”

“Are you even paying the slightest bit of attention to me?”

“No,” Lister answered truthfully.

Rimmer’s nostrils flared as he huffed, mightily. “Look we’re never going to get our work finished if you don’t pull yourself together, Listy. You’ve got to apply yourself. You know what they say in the Space Corps handbook: A ship’s only as good as her technicians. That’s _us_ , Listy! Without us this place would be falling apart at the seams! Now come on, hand me that spanner.”

Lister passed over the tool and within seconds his eyes began to glaze over again. He saw himself sinking inch by inch into Frank’s warm mouth, and he stifled a groan as heat began to build in his groin, threatening to make him hard. He could see Frank’s blue eyes, gazing up at him mischievously as he sucked him in and out, over and over again. He imagined his own mouth filled with Frank’s hard cock. The amazing sensation as his tongue slipped over hot skin and firm flesh. With an angry grunt he began to fish in his trouser pocket for a cigarette.

It was the end of a quarter, and Frank had been so inundated with paperwork, reports and deadlines, that it had been almost a solid week since he and Lister had been able to have sex. Lister lit up, grateful for the delicious feeling of nicotine as it filled his lungs, but hideously disappointed that he didn’t have something better to suck on.

Rimmer sniffed as he turned, a foreboding frown on his face. “Lister, are you smoking on the job again?”

“This? Nah, it’s just a new kind of inhalable incense burner.”

“How many times have I told you that smoking is not allowed while we’re on shift?”

“Let me see,” Lister made a big show of counting his fingers while he continued to puff away.

“It was a rhetorical question, Lister. Put it out.”

“Will do, Rimmer. When I’m finished with it.” Lister waggled his eyebrows, as he took an exaggeratedly long drag.

Rimmer’s face reddened with anger as he reached for his notebook. “That’s it, Lister. I’ve just about had it up to _here_ with you miladdo.” He began to scribble furiously, “Not listening to your superior, smoking while on shift, endangering the lives of others…”

“And whose life am I endangering, exactly?”

“ _Me_ , Lister! Don’t you know the damage that secondhand smoke can cause to others? Cancer, emphysema, heart disease, lupus? I might as well write you up for attempted murder!”

“Look, do whatever you want, Rimmer. I’m going on break.” Lister turned on his heels and started to walk down the corridor.

“What do you mean, ‘you’re going on break’? It’s not break time for another two hours. We still have dispensers to repair!”

“Consider it a favor,” Lister quipped as he blew a cloud of smoke towards Rimmer. “I’m saving you from a premature death!”

Rimmer coughed as he angrily waved his hand in front of his face. “That’s it, Lister! That’s another report! I’ll have you in front of Hollister for this!” The technician’s complaints grew faint as Lister clomped his way down the corridor.

* * *

 The door to Todhunter’s office clicked softly as Lister leaned against it, snapping the latch into place. The officer looked up, his blue eyes electric with surprise above a stack of paperwork. “Dave, darling! I didn’t think I’d see you until after your shift was over. To what do I owe...” Todhunter grew quiet as Lister quickly closed the blinds, blocking the inside of the office to prying eyes. “Dave? What’s going…” The words stalled on Todhunter’s tongue as Lister turned and began to unbutton his shirt. The officer’s eyes were locked like an animal in a steel trap as each shiny button was hastily released, exposing further tantalizing traces of soft brown skin. Todhunter cleared his throat while his eyes remained helplessly imprisoned. “Dave, what do you think you’re doing?”

“I’ve come to register a complaint.” Lister purred as he tossed his shirt across the office where it landed on Todhunter’s shoulder. The officer grabbed at the thin cotton as an aroma of cigarettes, spice, and musk wafted into his face. He instinctively began to breathe more deeply, pulling Lister’s scent into his lungs as the blood began to rush through his veins.

“A complaint?”

“Yeah,” Lister crossed to the officer’s desk, a small smile tweaking the corner of his lips. “It’s me boyfriend you see, we haven’t shagged in almost a week and I’m so smegging horny.” He lowered his hands and began to undo his trousers as he stepped up to Todhunter.

The officer licked his lips as Lister dragged his zipper down. “I’m sorry, Dave. But you know how busy I’ve been. I mean look at me.” He gestured at the towering stacks around him. “I’m up to my ears in smegging paperwork. Oh damn.” Todhunter groaned and squirmed in his seat as he got a flash of Lister’s multi-colored boxers, pulled tight against a hard bulge.

“Smeg the damn paperwork.” Lister leaned down, bracing one arm on Todhunter’s chair as he wrapped the other around the officer’s head and kissed him. He gripped firmly onto Todhunter’s brown waves and the officer shivered as Lister’s tongue danced against his. “I want you now, Frank. I want you bad. ”

“Oh god, Dave.” Todhunter groaned as he arched himself into Lister’s kiss. He clenched and unclenched his hands in the fabric of Lister’s cast-off shirt as he struggled to resist pulling the technician to him. “But… the lock is broken. What if… Oh god.” Todhunter moaned as Lister sucked on his lower lip. “What if someone comes in?”

“They’ll get quite a show then, won’t they?” Todhunter hissed as Lister began to rain hot kisses down the side of his neck. The technician slid his hand down the officer’s well-muscled chest, only stopping when it felt hot heat searing through the khaki trousers. “Maybe we should charge a fee? Sell tickets?” He rubbed his palm against Todhunter’s crotch, tracing the thick length with firm fingers. The officer gasped as he pressed his hips into Lister’s hand.

“Oh god. Let’s…” Todhunter bit down on his lower lip as Lister pulled himself from his boxers. “Oh god, Dave…” Todhunter found himself at a loss for words as he often was when he found himself at eye level with the technician’s massive cock. His mouth watered as his own cock twitched in his pants. “Let’s at least try to be quick about it.”

“Suck me, Frank.” Lister stroked Todhunter’s face tenderly as he looked down at him. The officer looked back at Lister, his blue eyes soft as he wrapped one large hand around the technician’s cock before slowly sliding it into his mouth. “Oh smeg, yeah.” Lister groaned as his cock was engulfed by glorious wet heat. “I’ve been thinking about this all day, Frank. Your lips around me, my cock sliding in and out of you.” Lister wound his fingers through Todhunter’s hair and began gently thrusting his hips forward. “I’ve been wanting you so bad.”

The officer’s composure began to unravel as he fellated Lister, his paperwork all but forgotten. His hands grabbed tightly onto Lister’s arse, pulling him forward as he struggled to swallow him deeper. He groaned as his own cock started to throb in his trousers, matching the ache that was beginning to form in his jaw. He pulled away, his lips wet and reddened and gazed up at Lister as he pumped him with his hand. “God damn it you drive me crazy, Dave.”

“And you drive me crazy, too.” Lister leaned down and kissed Todhunter as he sank to his knees and began to undo the officer's trousers. “Now get these smegging things off, will you?” Todhunter obligingly raised his rear and within moments Lister had his pants down around his ankles. The officer’s brutally hard erection stood tall from his hips and Lister pounced on it, swallowing him to the hilt. Todhunter sank back into his chair as he was swept away on a wave of bliss by Lister’s expert licking and sucking. He gasped, clawing at the sides of the chair as Lister bobbed up and down on him, massaging his shaft with his soft lips. “God damn it, Dave. Oh smegging, smegging, damn it!” He hissed and clenched his teeth as he struggled to keep quiet.

“Oh smeg. I’ve missed this, Frank.” Lister paused in his sucking to rub his lips down the officer’s length. “The way you taste.” He licked a long swathe of skin down the underside of Todhunter’s cock. “The way you feel.” He curled his fingers around the officer’s shaft and pumped him firmly as he resumed sucking on the head of his prick.

“Oh god, Dave…” Todhunter gasped as he began to feel a familiar tingling sensation. “Oh god damn it, Dave. I’m… I’m…”

A sharp rapping sound suddenly reverberated through the office and both Lister and Todhunter froze as still as statues as a familiar nasally voice cut through the stillness. “Mister Todhunter? It’s second technician Rimmer, sir! I need to speak with you!”

“Oh, smegging hell. Not him again!” Lister hissed in a fierce whisper.

“Maybe if we’re quiet he’ll go away,” Todhunter whispered back at Lister.

A sharp knock again. “Todhunter I know that you’re in there. I can see your light under the door. I’ve had years of experience with people trying to avoid me and I know all of the tricks. I have a complaint that I need to report right away, sir.”

“Damn it,” Todhunter hissed under his breath before clearing his throat. “Rimmer, I’m a bit busy at the moment, could you please come back some other time?”

“I’m afraid this can’t wait, sir.” Rimmer’s voice echoed as it bounced against the closed door. “This is an urgent matter, the very safety of this ship and all of its personnel could very well be at stake.”

“God smegging damn it.” Todhunter grimaced as he looked around him hurriedly, unsure whether he should be trying to pull up his trousers, or bark orders at Rimmer until he went away.

“Smeg, no one can cock block like Rimmer. I swear he does it just to wind me up,” Lister murmured before casually sliding Todhunter’s prick back into his mouth.

“Dave!” Todhunter stage-whispered as Lister sucked on him like a piece of candy, “Not now! For god’s sake, he’s just on the other side of the door!”

“Fhe can fhmeg ofgh,” Lister muttered around his mouthful.

“I’m coming in sir!” Rimmer bellowed and Todhunter’s face grew pale as he saw the knob turning.

“Get under there!” Todhunter whispered furiously as he half shoved, half guided Lister’s hunched form into the small cubby under the desk. Before he could even finish sliding his chair into place, Rimmer was striding into the room, clipboard under his arm, and his nostrils flared wider than Todhunter had ever seen before. The officer glanced down at himself in a panic and hunched over his desk, hoping against hope that the awkward angle, coupled with the tall stacks of paperwork, would keep his nakedness hidden. Underneath the desk, he could still feel Lister nuzzling at the inside of his thighs. He pushed the technician away and clamped his knees together just as Rimmer began doing his signature salute.

“Sir, I am here to demand that third technician Lister, David be dishonorably discharged from the Space Corps sir, on account of multiple counts of dereliction of duty, assault with intent to maim and murder, going AWOL…”

Underneath the desk, Lister found himself growing more and more amused at the situation in spite of his uncomfortably cramped position. If Rimmer wanted to have him dishonorably discharged, he might as well give him one hell of a last report to write up. He grabbed hold of Todhunter’s knees and pushed them apart.

Up above the desk, Todhunter’s mouth fell open as Lister forced his legs open, and swiftly enveloped his prick into the warm cavern of his mouth. The officer balked as he tried to rationalize the delicious sucking around his cock, with the fact that he was staring Rimmer full in the face while it was happening. He tried to clamp his knees closed again, but Lister held them apart with firm hands. It was impossible for the officer to resist, or to push away without drawing attention to what was happening to him. Todhunter sat and stared, his hands splayed out on the desk as he tried to control himself. Rimmer continued to rant and rave, seemingly oblivious to the game of suck the sausage being played right under his nose.

“RimMER?” Todhunter’s voice raised an octave as Lister flicked his tongue firmly against the underside of his cock. “You know you’re… not supposed to bring these... concerns to me anymore. You’re supposed to bring them... directly to... Captain Hollister.” His words came out oddly stilted as he concentrated on delivering each syllable without crying out in pleasure. “It’s… a conflict of interest… Now that… now that…”

Rimmer scoffed as a sneer spread across his face. “Yes, I’m well aware that the fact that you and Lister are currently bumping uglies, means that he gets special treatment. I don’t need to be reminded of that, believe me. But the point is, smegging Hollister never takes my complaints seriously. The last time I went to him with a complaint he told me not to bother him until I had something important to report. Nothing important. Is attempted murder not important? I’m telling you if I were in charge…”

Todhunter could see Rimmer’s lips as they continued to move, but his voice began to fade into nothing as Lister pumped him with his hand while he licked and sucked at his balls. The officer was unable to stifle a cry of pleasure as Lister licked his way down the full length. “My god,” he squeaked.

“Beg pardon sir?”

Todhunter’s ears burned red as he spluttered. “Erm… My god, Rimmer that’s… That’s… That’s certainly something that… That should be taken seriously.”

“I’m glad to see that you agree with me, sir! Do you know, I’m honestly surprised that this conversation is going so well. I was certain that you were going to immediately take Lister’s side and tell me to smeg off, but you’re actually being quite attentive. Smoking on the job is no laughing matter after all, and...”

“Oh god…” Todhunter thought as Rimmer continued to blather, and Lister continued to work magic with his tongue and fingers. “He’s going to make me come. He’s going to make me come and I’m looking at Rimmer for god’s sake.” Lister resumed sucking on the tip of the officer’s cock while he pumped away eagerly at his shaft, and Todhunter began to fall to pieces.

“Rimmer, I… I… oh god. That’s… That’s certainly something. Yes.” The tendons on the backs of Todhunter’s hands stood out like sunbursts as his orgasm began to rocket through him.

“Well I’m glad that you’re understanding the seriousness of the situation as well, sir! I mean, if I wind up riddled with cancer, just because that smegheaded little git can’t keep his smoke to himself…”

“Ah! Ah! Oh god… oh no! Oh _god!_ ” Todhunter groaned, his face a mix of pleasure and pain as he came hard, his balls tucking up against him as he spilled into Lister’s mouth.

“Sir, I’m flattered to know that you care so much. I never expected such an emotional response. Mostly people just ignore me when I bring up these concerns.” Todhunter stared up at Rimmer in amazement as he panted and tried to regain his composure. “Especially considering you’re in cahoots with that little upstart now, sir. No offense, sir.”

Todhunter ran his fingers through his hair and gasped for air as Lister sucked the few remaining drops from the tip of his prick. “Look, Rimmer. I’ll see to it that Hollister gets these reports, all right? Thank you for bringing these issues to my attention. I’ll see to it that Lister is… reprimanded or… something. Ow!” Todhunter winced as Lister gave his calf a sharp jab with what was possibly an elbow.

“Everything all right, sir?”

“Yes. Yes, Rimmer. Just erm… just a cramp, old zero-gee injury.”

“Ah. Would you like me to fetch someone from the medibay for you, sir?”

“ _No!_ Er… no, that won’t be necessary. Thank you, Rimmer.” Todhunter reached for Rimmer’s reports, making sure to keep his posture hunched and his cock hidden from view.

“Certainly, sir.” Rimmer tucked his clipboard under his arm, and gave another of his ludicrous salutes. “Thank you for your time, sir.” He spun on his heel and left the room, closing the door behind him.

“You bastard.” Todhunter hissed as soon as the door shut. Lister’s round face, lit by the perkiest of grins, practically beamed out from under the desk.

“Me a bastard? You were the one taking his side!”

“Dave, I have literally no idea what that man just said to me. He could have told me he wanted to cover himself in marmalade and dance a bossa nova with the Captain for all I know.”

“Is he gone then?”

“Yes, not that it makes any difference to you, you dirty little git.”

“Admit it,” Lister chirped as he crawled out from under the desk. “You loved it. I wish I could have seen your face. Damn smegging uncomfortable under there though, man.”

“I can’t believe I just climaxed in front of Rimmer, of all people.” Todhunter groaned as he dragged his trousers back up his legs. “And he didn’t even have the common decency to notice it!”

Lister laughed as he stood and stretched his back. “He’s a member of the smegging Love Celibates, Frank. Rimmer wouldn’t know an orgasm if someone gave him one, complete with visual aids and flow charts. Speaking of which...” Lister smirked as he stepped into the space between Todhunter’s legs and wiggled his hips. His prick was still rock hard as it bobbed between his legs. “Time to return the favor, Frank.”

“Well,” Todhunter swallowed heavily as he wrapped his hands around Lister’s round backside. “What kind of a boyfriend would I be if I didn’t give as good as I got?” He pulled Lister to him and eagerly sucked him in.

“Oh smeg, yeah.” Lister chewed on his lower lip as the officer alternated between rhythmic sucking and long, steady licks. Todhunter’s tousled brown waves swept back and forth as his head bobbed on Lister’s cock. Lister anchored his fingers firmly in the officer’s soft tresses as he bucked his hips. It didn’t take long before Lister could feel the familiar flashes of heat building in his toes. “Smeg, Frank. I’m gonna come, Frank! I’m gonna…”

“Mister Todhunter, sir?” Rimmer’s voice piped up from the other side of the door. “Can I come in, sir?” Before waiting for any response, Rimmer had already begun to turn the knob.

“Oh smeg!” Lister cried out in equal parts distress and orgasmic bliss as his climax began to roar through him.  

“I’ve decided that attempted murder is probably too harsh for Lister. I’d like to modify that report to attempted manslaughter…”

Lister clamped his hands over his mouth to stifle his cries. He squeezed his eyes shut as he came in heavy bursts, hoping that the whole situation might be less painful if he just couldn’t see what was happening.

Todhunter’s ears burned as red as tomatoes as he sat, his hands wrapped around Lister’s backside and his mouth filled with come. They both turned in unison, expecting to be confronted with Rimmer’s horrified face. They were both stunned when they saw the second technician in the doorway, his face hidden from view and completely oblivious as he scanned the report on his clipboard. Without thinking, Lister popped his prick from Todhunter’s mouth and dropped to the floor, cramming himself back underneath the desk.

“Yes,” Rimmer tutted as he lowered his clipboard and smiled at Todhunter, who sat red-lipped, his hair mussed. “After all, I’m not an unreasonable man. Manslaughter seems more than sufficient under the circumstances.” He stepped up to the desk and handed over the new report.

Todhunter swallowed and cleared his throat as he stood to take the papers. “Thank you, Rimmer. Will that be all?”

“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.” Rimmer clicked his heels and saluted before turning to leave. He stopped in the doorway and wiggled the doorknob. “If you’d like sir, I could send one of the Z-Shift technicians by to fix this faulty lock.”

“Why thank you, Rimmer. That would be most appreciated.”

“It’s nothing, sir. After all, we wouldn’t want anyone to catch you and Lister in flagrante delicto, now would we?” Rimmer chuckled at his jape. “Just joking sir, I know a high-ranking officer like you is well above those sorts of juvenile, libido-driven escapades.”

Lister began to laugh under the desk and Todhunter cleared his throat to cover up the sound as he prodded him with his boot. “Indeed. Good day, Rimmer.”

“Good day, sir.”

Todhunter sank into his chair and pressed his head to his hands while he tried to ignore Lister’s half-muffled guffaws. Without a word, he reached for the telephone.

“Wha'?” Lister asked between giggles as he crawled out from the desk. “Calling Hollister to turn in your resignation?”

“No,” Todhunter deadpanned as he dialed the number for the medibay. “I’m scheduling Rimmer an eye exam, before he bloody-well kills someone.”


End file.
